What’s keeping me up at night

Loneliness and betrayal.

My body is hollow desert earth that my feelings have taken over. Hurt is the default state of my numbness. A minuscule wrong detail in a work of perfection. A tiny shard of glass that is slashing my heart with every beat.

The next scene is on soon: rage. I want to be enraged, a feeling I always subdued. Like true love, rage is not malleable. It’s not up to interpretation. Rage is pure ruby. The flames will spread through my system and destroy every fake idolized image that corrupted me. Rage will melt down all the compassion I have for those that hurt me into love tailored to me.

There will be no more paintings of the future in my mind. There will be no more spotlight for others to mock me in my theater of life. There will be no more dark corners for me to retreat.

I will fall in love with this rage: the same way you fell in love with violence towards me. The same way you fell in love with disregarding me. It feels so much hotter and more genuine than your love — and it’s here to last.